Dating Older Guys
Because of the whole potential-incarceration-of-their-partner thing, a teenager may have to hide a relationship with an older person from everyone else in their life. Anaheed told me this last year and I was like EW.
Do they treat you as a peer? I mean, I know: No one who cares about your wellbeing will seek to do this to you, no matter how attracted they might be to your personhood.
Also, adults know that seducing teenagers, even willing, smart, self-aware teenagers, carries with it a power imbalance that is ripe for exploitation, and very often qualifies as abuse. Why does this person want to date a teenager? But I encourage you to take a step back and consider the motives of anyone significantly older than you. Your natural answer might be the one I would have given when I was Tap here to turn on desktop notifications to get the news sent straight to you.
Even if you have a bad experience like mine with Alan, you will get over it. At 15 I was smart and self-aware. Alan freaked out when I was with other people. That idea also applies to the years between you and an older paramour. His logic was that I was being passive-aggressive and uncommunicative by not getting back to him within five minutes, and that this was a childish thing to do.
I thought I was totally prepared to deal with the daily realities of having a boyfriend who was older than me by a decade-plus, which turned out to be less than correct. In the bedroom and beyond, younger men are more eager and willing to learn -- and it's refreshing to have someone appreciate the value dating younger guys vs older guys your life experiences.
Consider how different you are now from how you were two years ago—huge, right? Do they get along with your friends? You have plenty of time to date people older than you, but not nearly as much to have a high-school romance.
I romanticized a story about an adult man kidnapping, molesting, and raping an adolescent girl. With the popularity of cougar dating sites, the prominence of TV shows like Cougar Town, and high-profile couples like Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore who manage a year age gapeveryone is talking about the older woman-younger man relationship.
Keeping things underground gets tiring and frustrating, not to mention a little overwhelming, really quickly.
I thought it was, like, the absolute greatest thing in the world when Alan knew who Samuel Beckett was. Being around a younger man may actually help you set and reach your personal goals, because his ambition and energy inspire you. Teenagehood lasts only seven years. That, by the way, is actually a comparison I made at the time, which is so gross to me now.
This finally got me to see Alan for what he was: You might feel like you and your older person are emotional equals, but again, age and gender differences create power imbalances, and those can be leveraged to pressure you into stuff, no matter how self-possessed you are. He also tried to turn me against other people in my life: When I was with friends or at parties and not immediately answering his text messages, he would become enraged.
So, here are the things I wish someone had talked to me about when I was 15—if they had, I doubt I would have acted on my proclivity for adult men at least until it was legal for me to do so, or maybe I would have just dialed my actions back a little. Being attracted to someone older just means you are a human person who sometimes thinks other human people are sexy!
All that power-imbalance stuff we discussed in point 5 is really appealing to people who have a need to control their partners, which not only leads to abuse, but is abusive all by itself.
Consider the age difference—how old are you and how old are they? First, being attracted to older guys is completely and totally normal. While love and sex are still the absolute jam, the hot mystery of figuring out how to do them is over with.
Not to be all dramatic, but seriously: Acting on those feelings, however, is more complicador. Maybe your girlfriend or boyfriend went off to college, maybe you met a cute year-old drummer at a show—these things happen and are fine as long as you feel comfortable with this older person.
Because of the taboo nature of our situation, I had to keep Alan hidden from even my bestest of buds.
When I was 15, I was dating a year-old cue gasping. Some of the best parts of having a boyfriend or girlfriend involve other people: Given those variables, it's only logical that the older woman-younger man relationship can actually work.
And when the novelty of having an illicit love affair wore off, I had no one to talk to about how confused and upset I was about certain aspects of the relationship.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can teach a puppy everything he needs to know. Before I get into the real nitty gritty, though, a few caveats. You have literally the rest of your earthly days to date people in their 20s and up, but you can never have a real high-school romance again after 12th grade is over.
Do you feel OK disagreeing with them? As always, be safe and enjoy, ya little minxes. Are they respectful of your life outside of your relationship?
All right, get along. Basically the only things I could do with Alan regularly were hanging out in his car or in secluded places like parking lots and dark corners of public parks.
Not every one of these situations is going to be a soap opera about forbidden love and sexual corruption; sometimes it really is just about two people who really like and respect each other. I changed my behavior to better suit his idea of what an adult relationship was like, but now I know that he was being the infantile and scary!
Just as awesome, but with a radically different perspective on what happened in middle school, you know? If you are dating a man in his 20s rather than his 40s, you probably won't have decades of past relationships and other issues to deal with.
When plotting to French an older person, you might be tempted to rationalize the stretch of time between your two births thusly: